[day one]

1 comments Posted by Stephanie at 11:21 PM

Yesterday, the pressure of high school was still upon me as I readied for my speech and made sure I did not fall up/down the stairs during the processional.

Today has marked my first day as a graduate.

And what did I do on my first day? Well I came home around 2 am (this is what not having a curfew does to me) after watching "(500) Days of Summer" with fellow cohorts. I blame my friend because his clock was an hour behind. But whatever it was not a big deal. I woke up around 10-11 because I figured I had stuff to do.

I made myself three pieces of bacon which served as my breakfast and turned on the computer to find a scholarship I still needed to do. Work has a habit of catching up with me. My high school transcript was supposed to be postmarked last Friday, so stress ensued and I hurried to find the paperwork.

Then, as my first day as a graduate, I went back to school. I had to turn in another form for my transcript. Luckily, no one was really there to witness my shameful return because it was finals week (ha!) and they were already out. Dan and I went to Jewel to buy necessary equipment for the cemetery to visit Paw Paw.

Now, I always get pretty emotional because I take death pretty hard. I am a crier, which a lot of people probably would not believe because I have a snarky exterior, but it is true. And it got me thinking about life. One of my classmates' father passed away on graduation day. And it really sucks. I was never close with her, but we were always friendly and chatted once and a while. It could easily be my dad with a brain tumor. It is not something that is usually checked for, especially since my dad has not gone for a check-up in an extremely long time. I worry about it because it is something so simple that might make a huge difference. I always feel badly for my classmates whose parents or siblings pass away. I know that I take the death of a grandparent hard; I cannot imagine what it would be like for someone closer.

Soon after, my friends and I gathered to take the el downtown to see She & Him for free at Millennium Park. We got food and got to the venue just with the opening band was starting. And boy was it a zoo. There were thousands of people there. It was packed and overflowing and there was not even a clear boundary. We found a patch of grass far away where the sound could still reach. All I can say is good think my friend Jaclyn and I decided to fumble through the crowd to get closer. On the grassy knoll, I just felt uncomfortable. I was on the outside of conversations and it was just not enjoyable. But whatever, I removed myself from the situation. Jaclyn and I took pictures of a bunch of funny hipsters (because Zooey Deschanel is their queen) and eventually got to the closest area with two seats. ZD was adorable with all of her indie cred. M. Ward is always a little sketchy to me because he likes to wear sun glasses and my experience with those people is that they are high. Someone was smoking weed and there were little children around. I found it amusing. But the sound was much better up front and people were really into the music.

She & Him just makes me happy. There really is not another way to describe it.

Overall, it was a good day. Still, I do not really know how I feel about certain things. I have had the opportunity to finally think about things, and I am not sure that it has made things any better. I recognize some of my fears about life and relationships but it has not helped me understand in any way. I guess that is all I can ask for, for now.

 

[yes, life is hectic]

0 comments Posted by Stephanie at 10:41 PM

But this really makes everything okay.

 

Easter

0 comments Posted by Stephanie at 4:04 PM

I quite enjoyed this easter break. It kind of snuck up on me and I didn't expect much. Brunch with the family was nice, but it makes me wish I could see some of my other family more frequently.


I jammed with my brother and we made a video of us singing badly and me playing guitar badly. But it was fun, and I think that's all that matters.

As religious as I am (not really at all), I appreciate Easter and other religious holidays. Sure, I get an extra day off or something, but I also get to spend time with those that really matter to me. Family is one of the constants in my life, and it is always something I can rely on.

Now to do more homework! And maybe watch Princess and the Frog...

 

Faith

0 comments Posted by Stephanie at 6:23 PM

I really meant to post this ages ago (and by ages I mean a month), but school and life got in the way. So I haven't been able to properly vent.


It started a couple weeks ago. I went to church for the first time in a while. Usually I enjoy it somewhat. I never want to go, but I always understand the importance, even if I am not exactly sure of my catholicism.

So I went to church with my dad. My mom wasn't feeling well and had decided not to go. I got my dollar to put in the basket to support the church, Africa, and/or my chances of getting into heaven. We got there early and sat pretty close to the front.

Lucky me; it was Teen Mass. It was not a good start. I don't like Teen Mass because they tend to run longer. And at that point, that was the only reason I didn't like Teen Mass. Oh, but the plot thickens...

Soon enough, many people I go to school with showed up. They got their own special section that said "Reserved". They are the people I would never be friends with in school. Maybe I've had a nice, benign conversation with a couple, but nothing life changing. They are the people that love high school, and that really isn't me. I'm more of a "I'll deal with it until it's over" type of person. Whatever works, I guess.

We also got a priest who I had never seen in my life. I probably only like one priest at our church, so I didn't have high hopes for this one. But he couldn't possibly be worse than the "Creepy smile" priest or "Likes to give hour long homilies" priest, right? Three weeks ago, I was so naive.

The two readings were fine except that the teens that read them were only moderately literate. They only mispronounced a couple of words, but didn't really have any presence. I'll all for giving people a shot (well, sometimes), but I would rather that a professional read me passages from the bible. It's not easy to read. So I'd prefer the guy who memorizes the passages and has a mustache because he's awesome. Also, this guy from my grade severely mispronounced one specific word that I absolutely cannot remember. But it was horrendous, trust me.

So we finally get to the homily. The priest started off my saying "Half of marriages, even Catholic marriages, end in divorce." He was not getting off on the right foot. Catholics are not exempt from mistakes, thankyouverymuch. But according to this priest, Catholics were better than everyone else. In my opinion, just saying that lowers Catholics in the supposed "hierarchy" of religious peoples.

If that was not enough, he continued to give his homily directed only to the Teens. But I was not included in this prestigious group that made up one tenth of the people attending the mass. I didn't sit with the "chosen ones" so I did not get the benefit of being talked to. I understand that these teens had just went on some "life-altering" retreat, but a simple "this applies to you, teens" and going back to talk to everyone else would have sufficed. Instead, he turned his back to the rest of the congregation.

It especially infuriated me because I actually wanted to learn something from the homily that day, but he had already excluded me. Plus, the fact that the people he was speaking to did not care. I don't pretend to know them on a very deep level. So yes, I am generalizing, but they are the type of people who either follow religion blindly or follow their friends blindly. A typical teenager does not think about their faith often. And a typical teenager in my Country Club ridden town definitely does not think about their faith often. I think about my faith and am fairly sure about what I believe in. These teenagers may know a lot about religion, but I highly doubt they know anything about faith.

Homilies have never been anything revolutionary for me. It reinforced things I already believed in. Sometimes, it made me have more faith in the Catholic Church because our beliefs lined up. This time, the priest went on about how this homeless guy who died, and how he thought it was unfair and questioned God. So his solution to his crisis of faith? "God talked to me and told me that these things happen." Well thank you, Father Whatyername. I don't have that luxury, so what am I supposed to do?

I explained my anger to my dad on the way home. He responded, saying "This is why I'm a deist." It made me feel so much better to hear that. I consider myself a "Catholic" because I'm not sure if I want to give up Christianity, and all the other denominations are crazy. My 8th grade CCD teacher told me that even if you don't believe in Jesus, you can still go to heaven. You just have to be a good person, and I think that's the way it should be. Now, he could have just been saying that to reel in someone who was skeptical of everything the church teaches.

The next week, my mom said that we should go to church. I responded by saying that church was a complete waste of time the previous week. She didn't try to sway me.

This mass put me in a bad mood for the rest of the week. It wasn't a complete waste of time because I realized some things, but it certainly didn't make life any easier. I've been defending Catholicism for so long and will probably continue, but I know now I cannot ever defend Catholics.

 

She & Him-Volume Two

0 comments Posted by Stephanie at 5:30 PM

I love She & Him. High expectations for "Volume Two" since I loved "Volume One". And let's be honest, who doesn't love Zooey Deschanel? So here's my song by song assessment.

(P.S. I got this on vinyl.)

Side A

1. Thieves-I've heard this song before because they have been touring with it on their set list. M. Ward's voice is more prominent. Not overly complicated, but that's kind of the way I like it. Makes me feel happier. Even though the topic is not very uplifting.

2. In the Sun-Also heard this before. I adore this track. It seems peppier than I remember though. I love the video as well. It just seems to define their sound so well.



3. Don't Look Back-Starts with toy-ish piano. Props for fitting "persephone" into the song. Good use of harmonies. Tambourine, always a plus. Vocals during bridge/chorus reminds me of orchestral horn.

4. Ridin' in my Car-M. Ward gets a verse! It's so perfect. Good use of altered chords. This track is not written by She or Him. Definitely has a Beach Boys feel, but I don't know their anthology so if I am right, props to me!

(Edit: It isn't.)

5. Lingering Still-Latin/Hawaiian feel, if that makes sense. Just listen to it. Simple piano solo. "The words are a science and I am a secret. I saw you lingering still." (or something like that.)

6. Me and You-"You gotta be kind to yourself." Followed by buhdabudums. Reminds me of "This is Not a Test." The guitar is very similar to "Volume One".

7. Gonna Get Along With You Now-Acoustic guitar sounds. "Uh-huh. Mmmhmm." This isn't written by She or Him either. Nice to listen to.

Side B

8. Home-Beginning like "I Can See Clearly Now". Except a little more modern. "It's a comfort to me." This album just feels right. Like home. But maybe it's because I'm listening to it at home.

9. I'm Gonna Make It Better-Starts kind of like "Heart and Soul". But then it twists.

10. Sing-She's watching "Cribs". "I'm just a childhood prisoner of the garden gate." Bass lead in to solo section. Violins too.

11. Over It Over Again-Interesting use of of call and response. Ish. I guess it's more of a call and call. But the way they split it up is interesting. Another guitar solo. Zooey does better in lower registers, but her voice suits the style.

12. Brand New Shoes-"I had some brand new shoes. They were all red, but they gave me the blues." This song definitely focuses on the lyrics. The instrumentation is very simple. Sounds like something I'd be able to play on guitar.

13. If You Can't Sleep-I got chills listening to the opening chords. Acapella. Ending this album in a fashion similar to "Volume One" with "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot". "Goodbye shadows..."

Overall: I love this album, but it's nothing extremely cerebral. It's like "Volume One," except more polished. I liked all the songs. I even love a couple. Definitely will listen to it a lot over this Spring Break.

Teacher: "So Stephanie, what did you do over break?"

Me: "I listened to music, and it made me happy."

 

[this i believe]

0 comments Posted by Stephanie at 10:22 PM

I believe in a solution: a completely ambiguous one to everything, but really nothing in particular. The details are not the important part. I guess if I were concerned in actually finding the solution, I would probably like some details. However, it is not the how that I believe in. It is the concept that appeals to me.

Some people, mostly my mom, call me cynical. I guess that could be an accurate adjective to describe me, but I like to think there is more depth. I do not only focus on negative things, but I think it is foolish and selfish to ignore them. I am affected by things I see, like all those commercials with the crying dogs and the Sarah McLachlan music playing in the background or the One campaign where the celebrities snap every three seconds to signify a child's death. It doesn't take much to be aware of the world around us, and surrounding ourselves in only the happiness of our lives makes it much more impossible for others to rise out of the disparity of their own. So yes, I am cynical and pessimistic about our current state of affairs: war, racism, equality of sex, and my general thought that society supports the wrong choices.

In my cynicism, though I have found that I live with an optimistic outlook. I believe that there is something that will make all of this better. There is a cure for cancer. There is an everlasting peace. There are equal rights for all. Natural habitats will grow back to their original glory. It is not a matter of what I want to believe. It is a matter of what I have to believe. I need to believe there is a solution for all this madness that we either are too ignorant or stubborn to fix. It is a necessity to believe that all hope is not lost. I need to believe that people just choose bad decisions because of our society's terrible influence, and not because people are inherently, and permanently, stupid. There is always a hope for the future because there has to be. It gives me something to work for and forces me to not sink into depression.

So, I believe in a solution, partially out of fear and partially out of hope. I don't know what this solution is and I doubt I ever will. Maybe it is technology, nature, God, atheism, consumerism, communism, or pastafarianism. I just know that somewhere, in some time, it exists, and for now, that's all I need to believe in: I believe in a tomorrow that is better than today.

 

[revisted]

1 comments Posted by Stephanie at 8:52 PM

I haven't posted in a while. Quite frankly, I don't think anyone has really cared. But I decided I need an outlet now. Feel free to read consistently or randomly. There is not going to be one purpose to my posts. It's just what I need to say.

 

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